The First Time

The first time we held hands

I told myself

I wanted to hold your hand forever.

When you smile

I wanted to see you smile becz of me

Then reality starts sinking in

And there are a lot of unhappiness and issues that came in

At times, i really wonder if you are the one for me.

Is this the original person which i had loved?

Why is he so different?

Or is it me

Is it me who has high expectations?

I just wanted something simple that every girl would want.

I start to plan how i want to achieve that goal

I want to build a world with you.

But then you are unhappy.

You say i should have accepted you the way you are.

I argued back.

I asked you. 

What is wrong with improving?

Its for your own good. Its a way to show me that you care for our future.

You told me, 

If i realy love you, i should have accepted you the way you are.

You want me to accept.

At the same time, did you care enough to ask me why i wanted you to do so?

You didnt. You just thought i was selfish. I wanted you to be who i wanted you to be.

At that moment, i started to wonder

Who am i to you. Is it that hard to do something for me?

Then you asked me

Why cant you do something for me?

I want to tell you

I am already trying a lot to make you happy

I disagree with my parents. I did not go home for weeks.

Do you know that it is very hard for me?

They are the ones who raised me up

I have just known you for 2 years

But still, i chose to stand by you. 

I also need to take care of their feelings instead of yours alone.

Dont talk about mine yet.

All you wanted me to do

I try my best to do for you.

In all the midst of things that im facing. 

You say you are always the one travelling.

Do you know that i also wanted to go home

And then you said you wanted to buy a house

How can i promise to buy a house with you when we are not stable

Then you are not happy again

You keep quiet and told me nothing happen la

Do you know it also hurts me

We are not an ordinary couple

But i wanted my best to be there for you to solve the first initial issue that we have.

You are not open for discussion.

You keep thinking im forcing you instead of getting to the root of the problem.

You say, i dont support you in your decision.

I was wrong. I sincerely apologise.

I really dont know what we should do now

Maybe its going to be over

As im typing this im crying and crying

Then tomorrow when im at work i need to put on a mask and tell everyone im fine

I know you are tired

But im tired too

Can you please tell me

What i should do