I wanted to blog about this yesterday, but again, line never permits me too.
I dont know why, everytime i want to blog, uspot will splash one bucket of cold water at me by telling me that internet explorer cannot be displayed..
But its okay, i am used to getting disappointments that night.
To be frank, if i were to say that i'm not disappointed, i would be lying.
If i were to say that i dont feel down at all, i guess you will be terrified.
I try to not to feel this way, but 'trying not to feel' does not exist in my dictionary, and I am human after all.
I am not angry. There is no reason for me to be angry as i see the rational part of the explanations. It is really not worth doing something that is uncertain. If i were in your shoes, i would have said the exact same thing.
But what makes me down is that, i think i failed as a director. I know that there are many things that are beyond my control, but i cant help feeling this way.
If i didnt fail, why didnt you tell me but told my friend instead?
Put yourself in my shoes. How do you feel?
If i didnt fail, why didnt you get back to me at all. Is it really that hard to reply my sms? Or are you that poor? Does the word discussion exist in your world?
If i didnt fail, why cant i get cooperation from you as part of my group?
If i didnt fail, why didnt i have command and ideas of what i was supposed to do?
Maybe failing is a strong word, but i cant think of any other words to replace it.
Maybe i'm feeling negative, i'm sorry... But i dont want to hide my feelings, i really am.
Somehow, i feel betrayed. I am not in this thing alone on paper, but in reality, i feel this way.
You are supposed to help me, not inform me at the last minute and expect me to vomit out a solution
I dont mind doing things alone and settling things, when i know its worth it.
Going all the way to Bhep, going to see prof, gazebo, i dont mind. Because i know i have a reponsibility.
I just dont like it when you know what we have a problem, and only tell me last minute, and expect me to have an alternative on the spot.
And i really really hate it when you dont come back to me when i ask you something. I am not godly, i cant see what is going on at the other side of campus.
And yea. bhep is not next to my room and its not owned by my dad.
I am not putting the blame on you. Because i know i have no right to do so. And i dont think its right for me to do so.
But i cant help myself. This is one of the time where my heart refuses to cooperate with my brain, bringing an equilibrium. I am sorry...
But at the same time, i want to thank you guys for being with me, and care so much for how i'm feeling..
The gesture of coming to me after the meeting, is so unexpected, but it meant a lot to me. I appreciate it. Thank you. From the bottom my heart..
And you guys for being there for me, thanks for the support and care. Especially when i cant get the approval letter from bhep and i was sweating like crazy in class as if i jz came back from a marathon.. Thank you for the encouragement.. treasure it..
And thanking you, for giving me help when i really need it.. The look you gave me after the meeting, i really dont know how to react, except to tell you i am fine, when i am actually not sure if i really am. But thanks. Thanks for being there for me when i need someone to turn to..
Hmm.. I never expected a post-mortem to be like this. After all the events that i have helped organised and taken part in, this post-mortem, seems.. really like a post-mortem. Melancholy,
and full of angry words..
I once read in MYC that i shouldnt scold people through a public blog.
But i'm just expressing what i feel, really not meaning to step down on you and shunning your actions..
I'm hurt. But i'm relieved. Relieved that this event is no longer giving me heartaches, but at the same time,
a little disappointed because i cant witness its success under my hand due to Industrial Training. I wish you luck.. come and find me if you need help, i cant guarantee that i will tell you the correct things, but i will try what i can =)
Anyway, i really gained a lot from what i had done throughout this week.
The most obvious one is that I learnt to appreciate the efforts put in by you who always disappeared from class saying you need to go to bhep.. lolz
I learnt to see people better, and i learnt to appreciate the presence of you guys around me. You guys rocks =)
I feel so sorry that i cant bring you all to Lake Gardens. But if can, we shall go someday. Go there and ss. Without needing to pay.. Thats for sure.. i'm poor too haha
Wow, this post has become so long. So crappy.. And i think if you see this, you will prob be thinking, yer this post is so aunty lol
Yea for once i have to agree with you.. Really really long post, thoughtful? Not really.. More to reflecting..
Pictures i took during 4914 class haha, the flow chart..
First, is the letter of approval, Shawn's efforts..
Next, is the postponement letter.. the orange form introduced to me..I thought i would never see it again..
Then there comes the approval letter that used to be the focus of my life the last two days, but now meant nothing to me except being another sheet of paper..Hopefully i dont flunk my food law test cz of this letter.. I wont =)
Consecutive times to bhep jz for this letter and pleading to the kakak and trying to reason with her why i needed it so urgently..
And now, the end, i see this letter again..
And some feeling of sorry cz i will never have the chance to use this stack of documents for this programme..
Group picture-hey although i cant have group picture for my event, i can still have group picture with all my documents.. Precious memories, another chapter of my life, noted.
Last words, nothing else to say, except to say thanks, i'm fine ( though not really now but will be =) ), forget..
And looking forward towards the next activity to spend time with you guys again..
p.s. I love the orphanage and the aborigines visit! Yay.. thank you for giving me this much. I am blessed to be with you all =D
August 25 2010 Hours 1719
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